Coffee, Anxiety and Reflection

I’m not having the best mental health day…past few days. I’ve had a heavy anxious chest and a flighty confused mind for the better  part of three days. Some of it is just the nature of the beast, but other parts are–dare I say, normal.

In just a few weeks–two I think, I’ll be married..married. As I’ve stated before, this is equal parts fabulous and frightening, as I have previously experienced the things love can’t conquer. The notion that we learn from our experiences is both a blessing and a curse. Oftentimes, I find the lessons I’ve learned have been hard and scary and not indicative of the norm. (Last time, promise) Or at the very least in stark contrast to what the ideal lesson/outcome would be. A recurring theme, trend, lesson if you will, has been that humans are haphazard and dangerous and pretty shitty. This of course, doesn’t negate the times when we are awesome and loving and compassionate, but it does take the sparkle out of those moments once the other side is revealed.

The LP seems in such a better, brighter place about our prospective futures. It’s as though one of us is preparing for battle and the other feels they’ve  just won an epic one. From his perspective, humans are also haphazard, dangerous and shitty, but the awesome is like a spoonful of sugar that wipes away all traces of the shitty. Mayhaps, experiencing the darker side first makes all the difference. For all of the big important lifestyle choices he and I agree on, we came to this place via very, very different roads, evidenced in the way we respond to the joint ventures. It’s been interesting to say the very least.

All isn’t woe and worry though, I have had a few moments when the shitstorm I weathered over the past two years becomes incredibly clear leaving me no other recourse than to look at my healthier, wiser, still standing, now-even-stronger self in the mirror and say, “Fuck yeah, I did it!” And, I did–even if in the next breath I feel a bit worn and wondering why I had to do it. Why did I have to find my strength in this way? And,  what did I trade for this “super power”? [Grimaces]

 

Peace and ponderings

Comments

  1. wait. i have admittedly only skimmed the 1st two paragraphs. i am too overjoyed for you, your marraige, and the fact that you’re back!!!!!!!!!!! had to come straight to comments and say that. 😀

    i will be doing some catch up reading soon……

    congratulations! (saw the pics. beautiful!)

  2. Sending you a bug cyber hug.

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