Six Weeks and Cringing

If twelve year old me was fan-girl excited about the prospect of donning pretties and being the star of her very own fairy tale, she aged at the speed of progeria and 6 weeks before showtime, an almost forty year old me is rethinking the whole production. Color schemes, budgets and themes, I was all about it, I felt I’d crossed all of the t’s and dotted the i’s , so why now do I feel like I planned the perfect wedding for someone else?! I’ve always known and often admitted that I am a serial planner and a poor executor, but there was no grey area in this, I knew it was my wedding and that it wouldn’t,couldn’t, cannot go on without me. So what gives?

Michael blames “those wedding blogs.” In truth, I frequent just one blog and it’s been nothing short of therapeutic. It is comprised of stories from women who are much more like myself than the run-of-the-mill frill blogs. I thought maybe it was the moon or my ruling planets–shifting in Venus and already mildly erratic Mercury in retrograde; but, even on the days  when they align just so, I, sadly do not.

A few weeks ago, I dared say it aloud, “Cold feet”. Only– if I am being completely honest, I am hardly reticent to the idea of sharing my life with this beautiful person; it is the public display and, maybe even the public declaration with which I am struggling.

Much can be said about past experiences. Even as I willed myself from the beginning of this love to see it as a new life, the absence of ignorance– both blissful and not, has rivaled my best intentions. Avoiding phrases like second husband, second marriage, second wedding–referring to the former life, as such and the former life partner by name. All of these things I’ve done to set the stage for a novel beginning, one with a magically excised and therefore absent past (see: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) only to find, at the eleventh hour, none of it has worked. I’ll need to do the hard work. I’ll need to concede the past, admit defeat and jump again, with even more courage than before.

But, in six weeks?!


  1. Wow! I can’t believe you are getting married in a few short weeks!!! I wish you the best. Much, much, much happiness!

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