Hats off to ya’…

“I’d like to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary as a final tipping of hats, a celebration of our history together and and all of the hard work we’ve put in to get this far”. Joe said this as we discussed our divorce, and I embraced the concept. What’s not to celebrate? Surely, I can’t just let the unhappy ending absolve all of the journey’s good.

It was a bittersweet discussion as I revealed some scant details about my new relationship and we ran through some of the tougher lessons we learned along our way. There were tears and awkward laughter, there was resolute silence and plenty of love-filled energy. I’m OK, dare I say happy with where this road has taken us.

For the first time in a long time I feel true boundless hope. In our damaged relationship, all there ever was to hope for was a good spell, a time without conflict and betrayal, a time without hardship and subsequent guilt. Now, I can look forward to new feelings, new feelings that have no cap: the freedom to enjoy a person and a moment without waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s all very freeing and without the pruning I suffered to get here, I’d never have the room to bloom as I am. I feel liberated and that is worth celebrating.

I’ll be on vacation in NYC for the next month (Ain’t I fancy?), and during that time alone with the children, I’ll prepare them for a different kind of anniversary celebration than the ones we’ve previously shared on this 20 year junket of summer celebrations. I hope by them witnessing and participating in the end of one type of relationship amidst the infinite presence of friendship, due respect (which I am working my ass off to embrace) and love, they will glean from it a heightened sense of strength, grace, growth and the awareness that everything in life has its season.

How have you dealt with the many end times in your life?

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Comments

  1. So you fancy, huh? Take lots of pics for me so I can get a glimpse of home…

    I admire your strength during this “end time” and happy you and Joe will be celebrating the house you have both built over the past 20 years. Less eloquently, I'm glad both of you, through such a life altering time decided to make certain the baby wasn't thrown out with the bath water. Those of us who have been acquainted with this kind of ending know how many different paths of ugly it can go… I'm glad your children do get to witness a certain grace and beauty in the midst of devastation. How lovely!
    Have fun! ((winks))
    midst of the devastation. How lovely!

  2. You humble me. I am continually amazed and inspired with your journey thus far…

  3. Hey there! Enjoy your New York trip! I think this question of endings is a good one. In the past I've dealt with endings by sort of boot camping my way out of the feelings…dive deep, cry a bit, but let it all go as fast as I could. At this point in my life, lots of things that could use an ending just linger. I'm not as sure about what to do with them or the feelings…

  4. what an absolutely stirring post… your children are blessed to have such a mindful mama… and oh, can i relate to what you have said… the wishing for 'spells' of good… for knowing there was a ceiling (even hourly) of what could be… and knowing that always the pendulum would swing just as far one way as it did the other…
    hoping new york was fulfilling and invigorating… xoox

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