Challenge: Forgiveness One

It should be obvious that the evidence of love, unity and wholeness in our lives will begin to disappear whenever we choose to be special and separate.
Hugh Prather

“Why did you lie? I asked you from the moment you said you needed space and I felt the sting of affairs past. I asked you if there was someone else. You said you needed space, what you needed was room to be unfaithful, again”.

“In my mind I had already decided the marriage was over just as we met, so I didn’t see it as an affair, I saw it as an opportunity; a new door to walk through…”

“New door, same doormat”, I replied in closing.

This is from a conversation Joe and I had just two days ago. I’ve swallowed the bowling ball and lost the piercing pain in my temples just long enough to steady my now dry gaze and root my feet into the earth once more.

On one hand it reads like total abuse of power that one person could so haphazardly end a family two people agreed to build; that which has become four. It all seems-for lack of a better word-completely “unfair”. How could he make this kind of executive decision about US?

Yet, it is consistent with what he said to me the very first day he announced his need for a separation. He is seeking “fulfillment” from the outside. He is seeking fulfillment in being special and separate, rather than choosing to be fulfilled with who he is, directing his efforts toward the center and perceiving and achieving fulfillment from a oneness within.

When I look at it this way I find yet another reason to forgive. I forgive his seemingly blissful ignorance and I forgive myself for negatively assessing his ignorance as a willfulness to shirk off and abandon what may very well have been his greatest fulfillment in life for what’s behind door number two. Actually, I think she may be door number seven, but who’s counting?!

I suppose I had forgotten that we’d been here every several years, or rather chose to forget it, as to rule out any hope for the reconciliation which follows every several years. There will be none this time. I can FORGIVE whilst moving FORWARD. I can and will love from a distance. I must continue to grow although I’ve been pruned from where I’ve been so comfortably planted for many years.

Our children, whom I do not speak of often, have been a great sense of accomplishment and support through this transitory time. Both of them support my growth and together without coercion have banded around their dad and done their best in recognizing his pain and uplifting him. At a time when I was feeling like such a failure, it was the two of them that reminded me just how successful I had been at being a nurturing, uplifting and supportive mother. This makes me feel deeply rewarded and infinitely fulfilled.
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Comments

  1. T, I really respect what you are feeling. I understand willing someone to be something he/she isn't. I wonder sometimes if we all don't will our partners do be something they aren't and if things turn out OK (whatever that means) then we figure we must have been right and if thing don't turn out as planned we just finally admit what we knew all along.

    I'm in a space now of trying not to will anyone to be who I want them to be anymore…long story, that one 🙂

  2. Hooray for the children.

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