Five…I’m Alive

Each day presents another challenge, another obstacle, another step through the walk of fire. I am literally fighting for my life on a daily basis. While I am not physically marred, the mental/emotional undoing has been catastrophic. There are parts of me that others, and myself knew who have been lost along the way, and I’ve only just begun to journey.

My life has not been my own for many, many years. I am finding, in developing the parts of me that atrophied from injury and subsequent dependency, that I have lots of rehabilitation ahead.

Yesterday a a pertinent recognizance was made whilst sitting with him and talking. I had been in my bedroom (where I am most often found these days) reading “O” Magazine, and as much as Oprah “Wince” Winfrey irks me, she does have an incredible staff. This month’s magazine features a segment by writer Martha Beck . The segment, “20 Questions That Could Change Your Life” has already changed my creative vision for this next phase in my life.

As we sat and sobbed, these words churned through my empty, nervous belly and rushed from my trembling mouth, “I just want a love that doesn’t hurt”. What happened next in my head kept me from fully hearing anything he had to say behind my comment. At once I felt shame and determination, it was a simultaneous “Oh no, a-ha” moment. The realization that I- perfectionist to a fault, had in fact perfected the art of settling for a life of mediocrity. If all I want is a love that doesn’t hurt, I have clearly lowered my standards through the course of this thing called life. You see, Tameka would have never consciously entered or fostered a relationship of pain. Hell, I don’t even “break-in” shoes. This is a dynamic realization and a painful truth.

“Is this what I want to be doing”, Martha Beck asked me to ask myself. I fought to utter through pain-induced asphyxia, that one barely audible word and out it came set to the drumbeat of my palpitating heart, “No”. I whispered as I shook my tear-stained face in support of the assertion I’d just made. And, then I nodded and even giggled a little because the revolution has indeed begun.


  1. Talkin' 'bout a revolution.

    I have the greatest faith in you and your new journey through life.

    Remember you have strong cyber support group who believes in you.

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