Two

I am a yo-yo, haphazardly thrust toward the ground, sometimes successfully finding my starting place and other days a tangled mass of fear and longing between the dangerous grip of an emotionally underdeveloped human and my own bottom.

In truth, I don’t know what I want to do, this isn’t nice and orderly like beads and wires, or cooking, or syntax. This is about love and, love is so incredibly complex. How can I love someone who hurts me? How can I hurt someone who loves me? Really, think about it. How do I know that this shitty-hurts-like-hell-haphazard-yo-yo love is not the best he has to give right now. How do I know that at this very moment in our 22 year relationship that he, for whatever reasons-even those of which I may have contributed- is not giving me his all? I don’t. And, that is where the bulk of my day goes. I spend hours vacillating between a broken heart and a racing heart, reconciliation and resignation, hell and hope.

Yesterday, I took a break from it all. I willed myself into the shower in front of the mirror and into a new dress and even some lip gloss. I went downtown to one of my retailers and sold enough jewelry to pad my purse nicely, and then I went to the Crisis Prevention Center and asked for help. Gasp. Me? Help? Yes, me.

As I approached the desk, I could feel the anxiety building…building…building and then the desk nurse asked, “How can I help you?” Barely audible, “I replied, I need some help, please”. And he replied, “I’m sorry did you say you’re here to see someone?” And, the levee broke. He rushed me into a room where I could gather myself and complete the intake information. It was there in that room, alone, fixated on the small stain on an armchair that I realized I was spent. And for the next four hours that I sat there, I didn’t think of anyone but myself. And, as I signed a host of consents for new medications, I didn’t think of any one’s opinions or judgments. It truly was a money in the bank moment, the first step in investing in me.

I returned home, and all was well, even without my incessant check-in calls. It’s safe to say that for now, in this moment, my investments there paid off, so now it’s time to work on me. This is where the real work comes in.

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Comments

  1. Bravo. I'm so proud of you for going and getting the help you need. I'm pulling for you, too.

  2. i am so very proud of you for doing this… i made the call, but because i wasn't in hysterics, i wasn't treated as if i was serious… i am glad to hear that your experience was positive and self-building… i am so proud that you put yourself first, t… xo

  3. Learning to put ourselves first is so hard. I am glad that you see the importance. Hugs to you.

  4. you did the best thing…you put yourself first and took care of YOU! i too am so very proud of you…take care of yourself, because it is only when you are whole that you can do all the wonderful things that you are capable of.

    you should be very proud of yourself…so few women invest and take care of themselves or are strong enough to ask for help…growth! keep growing and evolving!

  5. Hugs and support from me to you friend. Proud indeed. The step you took takes a lot of courage. YOU did it! Like mairedodd, I am very glad that the center took notice and took hold of you in that very moment that you needed them to. I too, made the call once and was not taken seriously.

    Again, hugs and an abundance of support from me to you.

  6. You have such insight and I hope you perceive all that you see. You really are brave to have asked for help. I am so in that space with you of the “real work”.

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