With intense trepidation he summoned me toward him, lightly patting the large blue pillow backed sofa. On his face was an expression I’d seen before-an expression I knew meant nothing good, but couldn’t quite place. I felt fear and tension embrace me, as I pulled the laundry unto me like a shield. I intuitively looked to the sky and took a deep cleansing breath in and then out, I could hear my heart beating. Fight or flight? I could feel my inner Self, as if disjointed from the present Self, frightfully pounding from within as if she were trying to break out and away from the impending doom. Such is the deep silent omnipresent worry of anyone living with mental illness. But, there was no time for escape or disassociation, here I was before him shrinking inside as his lips began to part and utterance befell me. “I’ve been thinking…” he said, when my eyes widened in insurmountable fear, having just placed that… “I know that face, oh no…I know that face!” I began to shiver and brace myself with another deep, albeit labored and broken breath.

My heartbeat is so loud, to hear him I shake my head and adjust my footing, like an old TV antenna. Squinting, I direct my eyes on his and begin to hear his words escape, in forced crackling sputters from his own personal stranglehold of pain. “…unfulfilled…break…sep-a-ration”. From his lips to my ears and through me like a fire gavage, engorging my chest and belly before reflexive rejection violently forces it back up where it wedges tightly in my throat. I close my eyes and will my heart to stop beating, or conversely that I might open my eyes in full view of a cat’s ass and have this have been a terrible, horrible, very bad dream.

I sit, having dropped the laundry somewhere during the first blow and the present moment; time is dragging at warp speed. Now, with my hands suddenly free, I place one on my throat and one on his leg as the first tear begins to fall, followed by so many others. One, for all of the many years of tireless, endless love, hard work and commitment. I know what he said, I know what I heard, but what I feel is “shame…pain…dev-a-station”. Silently, we sit before each other and while on the outside I’m visibly imploding, on the inside I’m planning and constructing strategies, compromises, sacrifices- an-y-thing I can will my troubled mind to piece, because I am a fixer.

But this time-this time is different and, there are many layers deep beneath the surface which warrant repair-self repair. Selfishness: the caveat of married people may be our only saving grace. It is with that recognizance that I retreat, not in surrender but in search of the answers that are buried beneath the piles of photos, milestones and memories amassed through the years: under promises and obligations, at the naked core of who we truly are as individuals.

“For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.”-Gibran
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  1. test…

  2. Sigh… this is speaking directly to me. Thanks for inviting me into such a beautiful exclusive space.

  3. first, thanks for letting me be apart of your growth…because that is what this is…your growth.

    like i told you, i am 100% here for you…and know that you will emerge from this the beautiful butterfly that you already are.

    in time you will find your peace with this change but until then know that you are not alone, you are loved & supported, and that no matter what someone else does…it is not a reflection of you..but of them. we can only control ourselves in this lifetime…

    “even the day after tomorrow will one day be yesterday”

    and as always…your writing is beautiful and deeply moving.

  4. “Selfishness: the caveat of married people may be our only saving grace.”

    I have read this line over and over again, nodding my head in full agreement.

    The toughest journeys begin, almost definitely, when we feel like we are at our weakest. And yet, those of us who face them head on, with our hearts on our sleeve and our eyes on the “must get done” come out of them stronger, wiser, and with a clearer understanding of just who we are. You, my friend, are nothing short of amazing.

    I'm here when you need me!

  5. Shivers creeping throughout my body reading this. I thought, “What a wonder piece, so real…”, and then I read the comments.

    You will do what you think, what you know is best for you and that will be the right choice.

  6. Thanks for the invitation to this physical and spiritual place. It feels absolutely wonderful.

    Remember, when you don't know what to do…breathe.

  7. T, I hadn't read this when I inboxed you on fb. I'm so honored that you invited me in this space. I'm honored to be a part of your growth and certain that I'll grow too. I resonate with the “shame…pain…devastation”. When you've worked so hard and believed, hoped, recovered from hurts, all for something no one can ultimately be sure of, but you have written the truth in that selfishness is our only saving grace. (((hugs))) my friend.


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